Old men assholes

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Was it your best friend calling to tell you that the president of Earth just called to tell them they won a unicorn? O ne of the great strengths of the English language is the number of ways it provides to describe people who annoy us. By no means all obnoxious behaviour is assholish: This age-old old-age problem has hampered humanity for years, even those of us who eschew hampers for sacks. Age turns many of us into miserly old Smaugs atop our crapulent throne of golden goodies, even if the only golden goodies you can afford are goldenrod-colored throw pillows. For many it's the rainy-day theory -- you need to save that shit for a rainy day, because apparently if it rains enough we're all going to buy jet skis. Look at Nina Hartley -- she's 55, and she still makes porno.

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They can't fiscally enjoy another one for at least a week.

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This column will change your life: don't let an asshole get to you

That's the most pathetic fucking sentence I will ever type. For the most part, those rainy days never come, and old people end up leaving small fortunes to their relatives if they like their families or to cats if they don't. Holy shit, did you have mail? Don't make me do this again. True, German has the word "Backpfeifengesicht" — "a face in need of a punch" — but English overwhelms us with options, thanks partly to its abundance of vulgarisms. There's a direct correlation between worldly responsibilities and one's willingness to engage in spur-of-the-moment interactions with other humans.

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3 thoughts on “Old men assholes

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